Why You Should Think Carefully Before You Try to Help Someone

Most people are kind and when they sense someone needs help, they will generally act favourably upon their gut feeling. This is the bond we share as humans whether strangers or not. However just because you're doing a good deed doesn't mean the other person feels the same way and many times you will be misunderstood.

Story 1 - The Japanese University Girl

I recently started learning Japanese and wanted to find a teacher to guide me. I came across one of the language sites where you can browse tutors and saw a profile which stood out. It was a Japanese student who mentioned that her teaching style was more conversational and she would use anime as a reference so that learners could understand the dialogues and use them in everyday life. I thought she would be best suited as I enjoy watching animes.

Having contacted her to find a suitable time, I realised the 9hr time difference between our countries along with our individual commitments meant it was going to be difficult to go ahead with the lessons. Nevertheless I wanted to give it a try and agreed on a time that was not ideal for me but would work in her favour. While browsing the website, I noticed they took 100% commission for the first lesson (trial) and 1/3 of the fees for the next 20 hours' worth of lessons. It was extortionate in my opinion and I was feeling bad for the university girl who most likely is doing this to assist with her studies fees or just for some extra cash.

During our first lesson, we had a great chat and towards the end I told her that considering the high commission fees she was paying, if she was willing to, I would be happy to pay her the same rate through Paypal and we could do the lessons over Zoom/Skype. I made it clear that for me, it didn't make a difference whether I was paying through the site or sending the money directly but for her it meant she would avoid the hefty fees imposed upon her. My bearing on this was the site took £11 (full lesson fee for 1hr) to connect us together and that was enough for them as an introductory fee. I gave her my email address and told her to think about it and get back to me.

Few days later, I didn't get any reply from her. So I started re-evaluating why I was taking up lessons in the first place. I realised that although I enjoyed the conversation with her, I didn't learn anything really as there was no structure and the conversation was mostly in English. To be honest, I knew that would be the case and future "lessons" would be problematic to schedule because of our time zones but still there was a desire in me to help a university student.

As I try to understand why she didn't get back to me weeks later, I came to the conclusion that she probably got scared of a stranger (me) and was worried to deal with me outside the site's platform on a personal level. Whether these insecurities are a consequence of men always hitting on girls at the slimmest opportunity or something else, the truth remains that I was willing to spend money in a way that was beneficial to her and unfavourable to myself but was misunderstood in the end.

Story 2 - The Young Indian Guy Who Teaches Flute for Free

I picked up the bansuri (bamboo flute) because I wanted something I could easily carry when I'm out in nature. Finding a teacher to do face to face lessons in the UK is hard though. However, there are a plethora of tutors online and it's very difficult to know who to choose. Fortunately, I found someone in a Facebook group who was willing to do free lessons. I jumped at the opportunity and did one class with him. He is very young and self-taught and because the lesson was free, there were about 40 people on the Zoom class. Not ideal as you don't get much attention and as a beginner you find it too fast paced because there were people of different levels and there was not much time to go through the basics properly.

Nevertheless we became "friends" and I started giving him some tips on how to better manage the pupils. I thought a dedicated Facebook group where learners ask questions and show progress would be really nice to have. I talked to him about some marketing tactics he could use. He did not really listen to me and I was okay with that.

Fast forward 4 months and he shared a 10 mins long video on our whatsapp group telling people why he needs to start charging now. I only attended his class once and concluded it was not for me but I admired him as he was giving up his time to try and teach others for free. So I wanted to support him in any way I could. I sent him a message telling him he was trying to hard to convince people in his video. He talked about how the air that we breathe is free but we don't value it because we don't pay for it and if his lessons were paid, people would be more serious about it. His failed analogies and desperation in the video was evident.

I thought well before texting him and told him my honest opinion personally. I said it's okay to tell people you are giving up your precious time to teach them and you have bills to pay as well. That's more than enough reason. I also noticed in the whatsapp group that no one was replying to his plea for understanding the new minimal fee he wants them to pay. So I posted a message to give him encouragement and to let others know at least there was one person who is okay with the new fee structure hoping others will follow on. That was the best I could do for him.

Although it had taken me time to craft messages to send to him directly and to the whatsapp group, he never replied to any of them. I know how hard it is to try to do something and not have people support you and I didn't want him to feel alone or to doubt his choices. Hence I showed my support whilst being honest about the weak points in his video like I wished someone would guide me when I was younger, so that he could use the feedback to improve.

Unfortunately, people find it as unsolicited. They did not ask for your help and don't want you to tell them about their weaknesses even if it's for their own good.

Story 3 - The Colleague Who Needed A Medical Check-up

Sometimes you meet people in life you instantly click with. This happened to me with one of my colleagues at work. She was a nice girl and we got along really well. We'd have lunch together. She'd come see me at my desk and we'd spend time chatting away instead of doing proper work. It was fun!

After a few months of knowing her, she told me she needed to go for a medical check-up which would cost around £200 but she had to wait till for her next pay cheque before she could go. Now she and her partner get by with the salary they are on. I, on the other hand, have more money than I need to live on. I'm not rich by society's standard but I guess I live a simple life and make more money than I can spend. So I told her I would give her the money and that she should not delay things, especially when it comes to health.

She was hesitant. She told me it was not my problem to worry about. She was worried if I transferred the money to her bank account, it would be hard to explain to her partner why I was giving her money. For me it was simple. She was my friend and I was in a position to help her. So why not? I didn't need the money back and told her so but she couldn't understand why I would do such a thing. She was probably thinking I had an ulterior motive behind lending her money. With me, I tend to value my family and friendships more than what money is worth because without those relationships what a dull life that would be.

I went to a cash machine and handed her the money. Reluctantly she accepted and promised to return it as soon as she got paid. She went for her check-up and everything was okay but from then on, if we ever got into an argument, she would bring the money thing up. It was as if she felt she was in my debt, so uncomfortable she felt she could not be herself anymore until she settled the score with me. As soon as she received her wages, she gave me most of the money back and that seemed to alleviate the weirdness between us.

In retrospective, I now realise that even if you're close with someone, the very act of generosity can be misinterpreted.

Takeaway From My Experiences

Whenever you want to help someone, you need to proceed with caution. Just because you think you're doing a good thing does not mean the recipient shares your opinion. You will often be misunderstood because people are confused with kindness. They don't know how to react when generosity is bestowed upon them and you may find yourself regretting your good actions if you're not prepared for the consequences.

Should you stop helping people? Of course not! But you should understand that when people did not ask for help in the first place, they may misjudge your character and doubt your motive. So always think before you act, even if it's for a good deed.